i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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