I cannot find my penis.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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