My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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