College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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