it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
