Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Can you bring me the toilet please
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
