so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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