I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
