Betty ford says i'm here all night
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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