What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
