My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
