cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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