I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Jerry, you need to find god
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
