you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
