You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
