I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
