I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
