Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
