Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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