i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
