We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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