No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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