I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You ruined the universe
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
