just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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