No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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