just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
