i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
