i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
