i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
