Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dick very happy bro
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
