How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
