maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
