Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
