you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
