Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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