So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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