____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
they're like a gay fantastic four
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
