He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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