I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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