You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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