her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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