I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
