Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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