Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
