i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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