My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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