Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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