As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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