party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
