If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So squirting runs in the family.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
