My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just threw up on my dentist
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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